“If life gives you lemons, you better f*cking get out of it! You are getting screwed!” ~ James Yap
So many things have happened in the last few weeks: I have moved on from HELP Academy, finished my part-time employment at BookXcess and since then started my undergraduate degree at Taylor’s University, in partnership with the University of Reading. For some, the transition is of astronomical proportions, seeing the campus and style of learning as major changes in their lives, and this is what most students would generally talk about after they have moved on to university life. But for me, whether smooth or not, I feel the transition has been merely superficial. Other than the t-shirt that I’m currently wearing and the tag that I carry with me on campus, I would hardly have noticed I’ve stepped into the domain of the intellectuals, or at least the stepping stone towards a career, a haven most people in the world could only imagine because of stifling social and economic conditions.
So far, it has been turbulent to say the least, not in the sense of physical change or learning difficulties but rather self discovery, of the limits of my personality.
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One might say that one is defined by the people he surrounds himself with, others would contend and say that actions speak louder than words and thus his actions are his defining traits. What I say is neither of these are true, that a man is defined not through his actions or friends but his convictions and nuances. A man cannot be defined through his friends for the simple reason that he may not share their ideals, but merely filling in gaps of loneliness that he feels, surrounding himself with a variety of people, collecting them. A man cannot also be defined through his actions for the purest of actions are done within oneself, not outwardly signs of bravery or cowardice. A man who keeps to his intrinsic values, evil or good, are the true defining points of a man.
The act of moving into a new environment, leaving one comfort zone to establish oneself in a new place reveals some of the most startling things about oneself: the synergy or similarities that you share with your fellow friend or the clashing points with an acquaintance. The feeling is exhilarating at times and just plain depressing during others. This whirlwind of feelings however is refreshing, a mirror into one’s soul as people would say.
I have from eons ago, known that I am an introvert, with very thorny features in my personality. I have discovered more so in university, being comfortable with the corner and playing with thoughts in my mind, making casual observations of the goings-in in the classroom. Although I do feel comfortable and content with myself, I do have that sense of longing to be in the thick of things, to be “in” with the crowd. All the time its a struggle, if you hadn’t noticed, to blend in, to have that sense of “I’m where I’m supposed to be.” Yet, that feeling eludes me. Is it just me? Or is it the people around me? There are many other introverts like me around the globe and I would assume, safely to be blunt, to say that I’m not too far off from being “normal” because I can speak in front of a crowd and stand up for certain convictions, albeit I do have that debater’s sense of the two sides of a coin. But I do find it difficult to sometimes criticize a project, point out a friend’s wrongs and change things for the better.
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Jack of all Trades – the title my mom gave me when I was in high school. Sitting in a room full of people, that energy that I used to possess, has left me and moved on to God knows what else. I used to be involved in everything I could get my hands on and assuming leadership positions as often as I could, even running for the student council in HELP. Maybe it’s Taylor’s but I feel that energy just leave me, call it prioritization or setting reasonable goals, compared Ye Olde times, I do feel emptier.
Any remedies for all these things?
Pope Baldie
P.S: I know the post is hanging, but I don’t know how to continue without feeling like I’m just blabbing.
Dude, you obviously are suffering from burn out. Yes it happens when you do many things, different proportions, keeping yourself occupied and really feeling the passion to do it. Often, one may feel that there’s nothing special to it anymore. But the challenge is not merely taking up the leadership positions, but to learn how to be a true leader, picking up skills, learning new lessons ecetera.
Take a break, and when you feel the energy is building up inside, kickstart something. Never stop “moving”. Acquiring knowledge is like an ever flowing stream.
Thanks man. Perhaps it is from over-participation in activities in the past that has made me uninterested in these things. I just hope that my “energy” will return, I like my old self.