of fear…

The New House by Edward Thomas

Now first, as I shut the door,

I was alone

In the new house; and the wind

Began to moan.

Old at once was the house,

And I was old;

My ears were teased with the dread

Of what was foretold,

Nights of storm, days of mist, without end;

Sad days when the sun

Shone in vain: old griefs and griefs

Not yet begun.

All was foretold me; naught

Could I foresee;

But I learned how the wind would sound

After these things should be.

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Why do I feel this way? Why do I act this way? Why am I received this way? Or is it all my in my head?

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Self esteem! Confidence! Self worth! Many terms for one true, primal, raw entity – fear.

These terms only hide the truth, that is the degree to which we fear.

Fear of worthlessness. Fear of uselessness. Fear of being powerless. Fear of no belonging.

Confidence is only the absence of a fear of failure.

Self esteem is only the absence of a fear of worthlessness.

Power is only the absence of a fear of uselessness.

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Why do we surround ourselves with temporary objects?

Objects that do not provide for the nourishment of one’s self or soul.

Why do we even bother?

Cars, titles, people… All but things to eliminate one fear.

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Yet, it is only human nature that we indulge in such trivial and nonsensical “hobbies”.

We are judged by the world and have been conditioned by the world.

We need to be attractive and wear the most lavish of dresses.

We need to be wealthy and live in the largest mansion in town.

We need to be powerful and control the largest corporations in the country.

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But again, what are we doing?

Merely participating in the lifelong, eternal play of – Eliminating our primal fears.

Pope Baldie

of futures…

Jurisprudence! AAA! WHY! WHO! WHAT! SKILLS?! PASSION?!

Oh the pain, the hurt! That feeling of a sharp knife piercing through me has become too much for me to bear! My body is heavy, aching,  like a butcher dragging a piece of lifeless meat across the dirty, slimy, bloody floor. Oh, why this now? Why me? That already tight knot within me has reached its limit. That feeling at the pit of your gut… Oh I’m sure you know what I’m talking about!

FAILURE! Oh, how much of it do i feel? None.

Why? Because I feel no more.

I am disheartened, discouraged, put down, hung up for all the world to see.

WHY DO I SCREW UP ON MY MOST IMPORTANT?!

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After such a long absence from my blog, so many ideas floating in my head, somehow feelings and problems seem to prayerfully suck me into expressing myself on the oh so merciless and public internet.

What am I referring to? My Oxbridge applications. Yesterday night, after taking medicine, I realised that I didn’t pass the oxbridge interview. To me, passing this interview was tantamount to passing the actual Oxford interview. These lucky people would have special training sessions with lecturers and parties who have experience in the admission of Oxbridge applicants.

I was so pissed, so worked up about it. I thought I had it in the bag, I really thought I did well. Little did I know, it would be my first interview that I actually fail. Really… My gift of the gab chose this very moment to give way to complacency. But what did I do wrong was the first question I thought. I thought of the question I asked “Could be it!” Then I thought of the time i spent explaining Ultimate to her “Could be that!” Spending five, 10 minutes in bed, disecting my interview was painful. With every thought, every comment, every word I uttered, the more I thought I had screwed up the change of a lifetime, my chance at my dream.

But now, I’m just sitting here, thinking that the world has not ended. There are other universities to go to, other countries to pick from, even other chances at applying to Oxford. Maybe I can do it all on my own, maybe I can go there for postgraduate studies. There are a lot of maybes, but what’s for sure is, I need to stay focused, work on my wrongs, improve my rights and be a damn good kickass candidate for my other universities.

Pope Baldie

of “rape” tones…

During class,

Keenen: Ballad (said like the name Balack)

James: Ballad (proper pronunciation)

(Keenen stares at me with a look of irritation)

After class,

Keenen: Hey, you sound like you rape someone la. Some small kid somewhere!

James: What is this?! Rape tone?!

Well, this is just one of the many weird things Keenen discorvered about me or about everybody. He claims the way I correct people’s pronunciation sounds like I’m raping someone, which is kind of weird. Ironically, Jonathan also sounds the same and as Keenen and I agree, is the ULTIMATE RAPIST! You need to hear it to understand. Well, to my next post.

Pope Baldie

of irony…

After last night’s dramatic episode, I have sort of recovered.

Received 2 comments on one post alone, thanks for your support, Lily and Uncle John.

My dad passed me the keys to drive the car after mass today. It’s kind of ironic that he was the one scolding me and now the one giving me permission to drive. How beautiful or wonderful the world is? How odd though the volatility of emotions.

Pope Baldie

of new experiences…

WHEN THE HELL DID I SAY I WAS RIGHT?! WHEN AND WHERE THE HELL DID I SAY SUCH A THING?! I WAS I WAS WRONG BUT TRYING TO EXPLAIN TO YOU WHY I CONTINUED WOULD BE FUTILE!!! YOU SAY I DON’T MAKE USE OF ADVICE! YOU DON’T EVEN LISTEN!!!

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Just drove back from Mid Valley. Went for family dinner at Crystal Jade Restaurant. Driving to the Gardens wasn’t a problem. I would say I did quite well. Changing lanes on the highway and timing my turns right. I think I did pretty well for a first time.

Driving back though was a whole new world. When light turns to dark and noise to silence, everything is put into a new perspective. On the way back, I nearly met an accident. The whole car was shouting “BRAKE! BRAKE!” I heard them, I humbly accept the fact they did warn me. But considering my speed and the position of the car, I continued on. The other 4X4 wheeler obviously was angry, I apologise.

The thing is, so many voices shouting, how can one process and make sense of what they were saying. Add to the fact that I only realised that I was in the wrong only when the car was jutting out in front of the other car, stopping would be futile. But justifying the wrong is ironically, also a futile effort, like Hitler’s massacre of the Jews (thought he tried in his book Mein Kampf).

I would say I won’t drive anymore until I gain my confidence. Driving on the open road seems like something that endangers so many people’s lives and one less skilled driver on the road makes things worse. I would stop indefinitely. I love driving around. The fact of convenience and the ability to move from place to place in the comfort of genious and comfort just makes me love driving. Driving on roads that are smooth and having a few laughs once in a while on the funny things that other drivers do is another movitation for me. But, safety first as the experts say. I would stop and not vow but promise to gain confidence.

It may sound extreme, it may sound ridiculous but I know I’m making the right choice for myself and others. To other drivers out there, drive safe and make our Malaysian roads a nicer place.

Pope Baldie

of sunrises…

Had a lot of fun on Saturday night…

A bit awkward and uncomfortable at first… But then the ice melted…

I hope she had fun too…

Hope to do it again…

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P.S: Peter, stop sniggering…

My Victory…

My Victory

I am here, cringing in fear on the steps

Where my life would start. Or may even would

end. Dust-filled corpses, pig faced ghouls are my

Friends. Roaches and rats, they crawl up my back.

A wail, a scream and a cynical laugh.

One stares, gazes at an old piece of scroll,

James Yap, RIP and welcome it goes.

One cries and pangs, but no Consoler come.

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Jacqueline du Pre, Saint Saens concerto

is Played. I stand in a House, a Gavel

a Scale my Mates. I prove and shout, and I

Win. But I blur, I go fast, I find my-

self on a bed, cold and hard with no one.

I am here, cringing in fear on the steps…

She’s Leaving On A Jet Plane…

Well, one of my good friends is on her way to Venice now, how envious I am of her! Just hope that she will arrive safely and soundly without any complications. I also hope that she will enjoy herself and come back with lots and lots of pictures to share. And those of you out there who are sniggering,

SHUT UP!!!

Pope Baldie

what has happened…

Well, I haven’t updated my blog in the last few days and seeing that I am dead tired, I will use pictures. I am sure I will use words next because I want to talk about English Literature.

Monday…

Zhe Xian dozing off during Maths… What a boy la…

Shen Yen’s “bling” handphone… Notice the red and green “jewels”

Michelle’s pencil box… Stop looking at my bum…

Then I went to CHS to watch how my juniors were doing in their debate. After that, went out with Carmen and Rachel to Starbucks to suppose Vincent Tan. Mind you, I didn’t buy anything.

Carmen and her iPod… She’s just being her usual bubbly self…

Rachel… One with her Tazo tea…

Tuesday…

Jonathan… Money minded monster…

Tic-Tac-Toe is the game, cross and circles are our names…

Jie Cong drawing an illustration of how I dump them… Well, if you say so…

Now who is dumping who…

Peter… Comtemplating his Nasi Pattaya and the beauty of each grain of beautifully cooked rice… Or just posing…

Pope Baldie

jus a picture update…

Well, I wanted to post it the week before. But, as time has never been my friend, here it is. Just three humble pictures from my mobile phone.

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This was on Thursday, 15th after my English Literature class. All of us trying to catch a bite before our economics class.

Jonathan Yong somewhat frustrated about his food… “Haih…”

From left: Alyna, Michelle, Jen

From left: Shen Yen, Satya, Zhe Xian

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This was on Friday. It was a bleak and cool morning, the resistance was futile. Some of us just couldn’t stay awake.

(Forgot what’s his name) Sorry…

Keenen not paying attention to the teacher… “News is more important than addition and subtraction!”

Now with his phone… “Hey, important message here!”

Jonathan Yong – Mr Universe? You say!

Nobody is listening to Ms. Lam… Sorry Ms. Lam…

Ms. Juelle and her whip… Oh no, it’s just the VGA cable… Well, another one of her super fast note copying sessions…

Law Class…

Our Law rep, Shen Yen zonked…

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Well, rest be assured, I will update my blog but from now on with more pictures and less words. Unless, I get those once-in-a-while inspirations and want to write about it.

Pope Baldie