1. Q: Do you have a chance? A: Maybe.
2. Q: Do you feel like you have a chance? A: No.
3. Q: Why? A: Just a gut feeling that I’ll fail and the many shortcomings I drag along
with me.
4. Q: What are you going to do about it? A: Is there anything I can do?
It seems like everytime I end up in a club, being emotional about things close to my heart is one stage of my journey back to sanity.
It is in the moment that I’m close to an attractive girl, or woman that I feel that “thing” growing within me. Like a weed without hindrance, it grows till the entire garden becomes desolate and overgrown.
I am now going through a glass of JD and coke for those who are curious and it is in this moment that I am the most vulnerable (even downing a drink to save the queen,for those of you who know what I mean).
When my heart wanders, my mind says ‘ Stop!’. I wander and think what could happen with this girl, what future I could have but then a sense of infidelity wells up and I hold back, sitting quietly in a booth blogging to you readers who bother to kepoh about my life.
Although it is intangible and I’m not tied down, I feel a sense of loyalty that stops me from what I thought, the “evil” that imagination brings. Once again, its up to you to decide what I’m referring to but any reasonable man would be able to.
PopeBaldie
It is as if I were laid out for all the world to see, in my pitiful, humiliated state…
As if my very soul were drawn out of me, the heartache of a thousand miles poisoning my mind, diluting rationality, logic…
I am now torn apart at the seams; with nowhere to run or hide, I am left lost, confused, alone…
“All’s fair in love and war.” Euphues, John Lyly
Is it fair that one would put aside all trace of integrity, honour and trust to achieve the ends that one seeks?
I do not think so because I am now flushed with embarrassment and humiliation over the decision I made.
I just hope that at the end of the day, forgiveness and not isolation is the friend that comes knocking on my door.
PopeBaldie
A bright English spring day in the well pruned garden, taking a stroll in a maze of shrubs, trees and rose bushes, enjoying the fruits of one’s slaves labour and soothing one’s nerves, relieving any tension of the day.
It is a pictueresque scene of peace and tranquility, where flora and man can each enjoy another’s company. How fragile life can be when one imagines the painstaking labour of levelling that hedge or fertilizing the roses.
But all is destroyed, blasted from the face of the earth, erased from history like Hiroshima and Nagasaki of Japan. All this happens in an instance, in the blink of an eye. The short window of fire and ash does not reflect the pain and trauma that one goes through, seeing one’s place of reflection burned to the ground.
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I would regard it as being a week and a half. Illusions of failure and rejection seep into the deep crevices of my mind, surplanting all notions of hope and romance that carried me through the unrelenting English Winter.
I am rudely awakened from my self-induced hallucination to the bitter truth that is the Present. IT serves it to me without sympathy or remorse and I am forced to swallow every bit of “medicine” for “my own sake”. I experience flashes of despair and hopelessness as I imagine staring into the mirror, facing the Thing that disgusts me the most. Anger and envy are the tools and undesirable as they maybe, I am now caught in a trance, dancing, spinning furiously without objective or aim. What can I do? Who will save me?
It is the acts that I see, the rumours that I hear, the questions that I formulate that fuel this trance and without sign of a remedy, I fear this is the painful journey I’m bound to undertake.
PopeBaldie
It’s been over a week by now… (Sighs)
PopeBaldie
Recalling those childhood movies or stories (or at least those substandard modern remakes) of explorers traversing places where ‘no man has gone before’, one would admit to admiring their courage in diving into the unknown in attempts at making grand discoveries.
But as every coin has two sides, what if failure were the entity waiting to greet them at every turn and corner? Steep cliffs, deep pits, dark crevices in the rock being the dwelling place of creatures only one can imagine one would encounter in the deepest depths of hell, feelings of depression and loneliness become the prominent feature in one’s mind. This can either spur one on or break the common man.
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I have finally conceded to the fact that I have fallen for someone, fallen quite hard in fact for someone across the sea. How it happened? How I am able to hold onto this feeling is indeed a very frustrating thought that lingers in the front my mind. It does not seem to fade, haunting my every move both day and night. Although it can be the most frustrating thing in the world, like that pebble that you just cannot get out of your shoe, it is also the most awesome thing that I have ever experienced. The thought of having oneself tied to another is just…
What I feel though is as if I were in a relationship, as if I were committed to something very serious, intangible as it may be because of the circumstance I am in. How frustrated I am that I feel I am tied to someone that I have not yet become an item with. Attending a party, watching a movie, eating could turn into a depressing chore that I need to drag myself through because she is there.
I have not talked to her in almost a week, though seven days maybe short for those of you from the land of nasi lemak and char kuey teow (referring to Malaysia), it is an eternity when you are passing those moments alone. If I had my way, I would start every conversation, wish her every morning, talk to her as often as I can but it is premature and even an arse like myself would know that.
Drawing reference from the explorer illustration, I feel as if I am falling, free falling into the darkness that is slowly consuming me, such that I become an artifact of ancient history, erased from reality and memory…
PopeBaldie
